This Is How You Remind Me
by coffeeandpie
Summary: A trip to A.A. and learning along the way. Friends Carter and Abby.
1. Default Chapter

"This is How You Remind Me"  
  
  
  
This Is How You Remind Me (Part 1)  
  
  
  
Abby woke up just after three a.m. and looked around her. She had to squint because opening her eyes was not an option. They were swollen shut and her hair was matted to her face and neck. Her entire body felt stiff. She had gotten off of work at 6 p.m. and just headed home to her apartment. She climbed into a hot bath and decided to help herself to a beer from the refrigerator. Just one to relax, she had told herself. One turned to two, which quickly lead to three, six, nine.. she lost count after that.  
  
  
  
Used to be that a beer or two, (or ten), made her feel brave, tough, invincible even. Now that she had started slowly drinking again she couldn't find the same release in the beverage. Instead it made her feel the opposite of brave, tough, and invincible. She felt like a cream puff, and each bottle succeeded in weakening her resolve, and her spirit. She felt that there were so many things that lead her to this point. In really thinking about her decision to have that first beer after years of sobriety, she snorted out loud when realizing that maybe her life had become too "uncomplicated" and this was her own twisted way of dealing with a peaceful lull. She clearly couldn't blame the attack and Brian for her drinking. Although it was convenient, and might be a valid reason to fall off the wagon, she had to be honest with herself. She had picked up a bottle before she even became involved deeply in that whole mess. Maybe the after effects of the attack had helped her drinking problem along but she had initiated it. She was drinking and she really didn't care, and she didn't know why.  
  
  
  
"Son of a bitch!" she looked down and realized that she had somehow managed to cut her foot, in a way that was so bad, it was bleeding profusely. She tried to pick herself up and found it was a move she'd made too quickly, her hangover was already quite intense, and something to reckon with. She didn't feel she had the power to fight it, and sat down dejectedly on the floor. She couldn't help the tears from flowing forth and felt angry with herself for feeling so helpless and out of control. She didn't have any "normal" tears left, not after the roller coaster of a childhood she had experienced. Now, her tears came only when she was angry, embarrassed, or frustrated.  
  
She didn't know what to do, her injury needed to be taken care of but she couldn't help herself, not in this condition. She thought about Luka then quickly dismissed the idea; he was the last person she could bare at this moment. He had no knowledge of her previous drinking problem, an issue she just never considered important enough to bring up with him. It felt such a small and insignificant issue compared with the pain he had suffered in losing his wife and children in Croatia. After he had told her that story she felt the depth of her pain was unmentionable. He knew other things about her, things she decided to tell him. She felt these things were more relevant to her everyday life when she had first become involved with him, no need in making the relationship more complicated than it already was. She realized if she called him for help that he would most likely laugh to see her like this, not realizing the full implications of a night of drunken tomfoolery. He'd playfully scold her and then insist she go to the e.r. for treatment. Taking control was his way of doing things, taking care of her was something he felt entitled to but a factor she found entirely too suffocating. She couldn't explain her injury to her co-workers on shift tonight. She especially would struggle with explaining her blood alcohol level.   
  
She didn't want to be lectured, or taken care of, she wanted support. She wanted understanding. She had a rocking realization that these wants, were part of what lead her back to the bottle in the first place. She wouldn't be able to explain to Luka that this injury was something beyond a drunken indiscretion, nor could she blame him for being so unaware of her. She didn't have the energy to try explaining herself to him anymore, at least not all of her complications and confusions.  
  
  
  
She suddenly felt a sharp stinging dart of pain shoot up her leg and realized she had been mulling over things for far too long. She felt alone and frightened, embarrassed at her state, and her rancid breath. She managed to pull herself up onto the bed and she lay face down. She knew she had to get help and she knew too with a surprising clarity of thought amidst this unbearable hangover that it was a time to swallow pride and call the one soul who could give her support and understanding at this moment.  
  
She stretched her arm across the pillows to grab her purse on the bedside table, and in doing so knocked two empty bottles to the floor. The loud clang rattled her nerves and made dialing John's number even more difficult. His cell rang twice and then she heard his voice,  
  
"This is Carter.."  
  
"Hello?" she rattled in a deep raspy voice. She didn't realize that her voice would sound so strange even to herself. He immediately sounded alarmed.  
  
"Hello Abby? Is that you? What is the matter, are you sick?"  
  
"John. I'm sorry it's so late ..are you busy? I need someone to help me."  
  
He didn't understand and sounded very confused.  
  
"Abby please tell me what is wrong.."  
  
"Just get here, please John, it's important.." Her voice cracked as she gave him instructions to have the super in her building let him into her apartment. He wanted to know why she couldn't open the door but she hung up on him grabbing her foot and rolling into a fetal position as pain overtook.  
  
20 minutes later he arrived and entered her apartment. He thanked the guy with the keys and shut the door behind him cautiously. Her apartment was dark and he couldn't make out where everything was. He bumped into her coffee table banging his shin hard.  
  
"Damnit!" "Abby?! Abby, where are you?"  
  
He got no answer but saw a tiny glimmer of light from beneath her bedroom door. When he entered the room he gasped at the sight before his eyes. She looked deathly pale, her skin was moist with sweat, and her white down comforter was covered in blood. "Abby!" He went to her and picked up her face, he began tapping her cheek with one hand and pushing the hair from her face with the other. "Jesus what happened?!" He examined her for any injuries and came upon the severe laceration on her foot. He deducted that she had passed out from the loss of blood. He immediately searched the house for medical supplies hoping to stop the blood. He bit his lips as he worked on her injury, fighting back the sting of tears that he could feel just behind his eyes. He had seen the beer bottles, tripped over them as they were scattered all around the house. He felt so bewildered, worried, and unhappy all at once. His emotions were tumbling forth and over one another and he was powerless to stop the flow of them. The last time he had seen someone he knew this self-destructive and out of control, he had been looking in the mirror.  
  
~End Part 1~ 


	2. This Is How You Remind Me Part 2

This is How You Remind Me ( Part 2)  
  
  
  
Carter sat slumped in a soft blue chair in the corner of Abby's bedroom. He hadn't turned on any lights because he wanted her to get some rest. The bathroom light was still on from when he had first arrived and he went in there now to wash his face. He looked about him to the claw foot bathtub, her bubble bath liquid, her copy of Entertainment Weekly, clean towels, the sink, her toothbrush. All these normal things, from normal life, challenging to break his facade and make him break down, giving into the tears and anger he felt just beyond his surface. He splashed some water on his face and rested his forearms on the sink watching the running water getting sucked into the drain. So many images of Abby passed before his eyes. He saw her as the eager young med student, and then as the caring nurse he respected so much. Flashes of the times they had spent together assaulted his senses and the tears began to flow freely. There they were on the roof with their coffee cups, and she with her ever- cigarette poised in one hand, a wry smile on her face at something he had just said. He saw them in Doc Magoo's, having a self-deprecating, but intense, and fulfilling conversation about recovery and sponsorship. Why hadn't he seen this coming?! He saw her, as she looked that night that he had taken her to the Natural History Museum. He could hear her introducing herself to his grandfather, "Abigail Lockhart", she had said, with a warm smile offering her hand. He remembered her indignant reply to "Paco" the guy that had stuck a nail in the tires of their rent a car in Oklahoma, and then her body language with him while they drank their blue slurpies. He had never been so impressed and devastated all at once by her poise, dignity, and grace, than he had on that day she left him by the river. He had said, "I'll settle", and she hadn't let him get away with it. He'd known it was a mistake as soon as the words came out of his mouth. It was not what he meant, and she knew that too, at least he thought she did, but she wouldn't let him win this little game of theirs so easily. She was such a precious presence in his life that he couldn't imagine what had gone so wrong that he hadn't been able to help her through the trouble she had suffered.  
  
  
  
He jumped when he realized the water had been running for so long, he turned off the faucet and walked into her bedroom. In doing so a ray of light bathed her small figure on the bed and he could see that her eyes were open. She was staring at the floor, and she had slow tears running down her face. He went over to her and quietly wiped tears off her face with his fingers. She wouldn't look at him and only muttered "I'm sorry".  
  
" Abby, I know you don't want to talk about this, that you feel as if you can't talk about everything right now, but please, tell me that this was just a one time thing..."  
  
" I... I can't. John, I can't lie to you."  
  
He hung his head unable to control his own emotions anymore.  
  
"My God. Abby, what are you doing? What are you doing?"  
  
His face turned all different shades of red and he sat dejectedly at the foot of her bed. He thrust his head into his hands, running his fingers through his hair. He mumbled. "I don't understand"  
  
"Well that makes two of us," she replied cautiously, a little shocked at his show of emotion.  
  
He turned his head then to face her and saw the equal confusion in her eyes.  
  
"Thank you for coming,"she said," I couldn't have explained all of this if I went into the e.r. for help."  
  
"I see." he answered shortly. He immediately saw through her. " Abby, you're going to have to explain yourself at some point, and maybe not to anyone else but you."  
  
" No, John, I know I owe you an explanation too.."  
  
"You really don't owe me a thing." he answered sadly. "Why didn't you feel you could come to me beforehand? I could've helped you."  
  
" I'm supposed to be your sponsor, remember?" she quipped, tilting her head to the side with that old Abby glimmer of sarcasm in her eyes.  
  
"Abigail, this is not the time to be funny, I'm really disappointed about this, and I can't tell if I'm mad at you, or me, or both of us."  
  
"Did you just call me Abigail?"  
  
"Stop it, Abby! This is serious."  
  
She looked up at him startled, and saw the red rims of his dark brown eyes. Alarmed, she asked him," Have you been crying?"  
  
"No." he answered her too quickly.  
  
Her hand went up to his face instinctively and she cupped his chin in her fingers staring into his eyes. "Yes you have, this is no time to play macho, what happened?" He pushed her hands away and tore his gaze away from her  
  
"What happened?! Abby, can you see yourself ? Do you realize this is years of sobriety down the drain?!"  
  
"Yes, I realize that, she replied curtly, but if I wanted a lecture I would've called Luka.."  
  
"Excuse me? Luka? Wouldn't be surprised if he bought you the beer!"  
  
"He doesn't know about my alcoholism."  
  
There. She sighed, she had said it. Bluntly, and openly.  
  
"Abby, you were in a serious relationship with the guy for over a year, how did it never come up?!"  
  
"I wouldn't call it serious."  
  
"Then what would you call it? How can you explain that I knew about this but your boyfriend didn't?"  
  
She looked down at her pillow and waved her hand upward and around gathering circles of air.  
  
"Well, I would call all of this serious."  
  
"What do you mean, 'all of this' ?" he asked.  
  
He could see tears fall onto her pillow as she put her head down and stumbled over words.  
  
"Okay Carter, this, this intensity, this immediate feeling of intimacy, that I've shared with you from the moment that we met. I've never had anyone in my life that understood me or supported me in the way that you have, okay? Are you clear on what serious means now?"  
  
"Oh. Umm. Yeah, I see." he replied. He felt suddenly dumbstruck and speechless.  
  
"Abby I didn't know you felt that same intensity between us." he managed.  
  
She lifted her head almost defiantly, forgetting her tears." Of course I do Carter why wouldn't I ? It's like something I've never known before. It's like something I couldn't have known until you showed me."  
  
"Yeah, this is how you remind me, too." he told her quietly.  
  
~ End Part 2~ 


	3. This Is How You Remind Me Part 3

This is How You Remind Me (Part 3)  
  
"Get up now, we're going to a meeting." he said  
  
"What? Carter I can't." she said.  
  
"Listen, you had the will to pick up those beer bottles, and now you're going to find the will to pick yourself up and get to a meeting."  
  
He wasn't backing down on this or letting his emotions get the best of him. She had to start recovery right away; this could be considered a minor relapse. God knows she had been through enough with all that had happened with the attack. He shuddered even now to think. It was a most likely possibility that this could happen and he kicked himself for not seeing it earlier.  
  
She didn't move from her position on the bed, and she simply looked back at him when he glared at her, willing her to get up.  
  
" Dr. Carter," she countered, " You seem to be forgetting I have an injury." She motioned with her head in the direction of her foot. It was expertly wrapped, although the combination of house wares on her leg looked quite funny. She burst out laughing in consideration of the three towels and wooden kitchen spoons that he had used creating a sort of makeshift splint.  
  
He let out a frustrated sigh in seeing that she was somewhat right, but decided that he wasn't going to give up that easily. He wasn't going to make this easy on her. He asked her where her medical supplies were kept and went to get them leaving her confused on the bed.  
  
He returned and rewrapped her foot this time with a few quick butterfly band-aids and a simple wrap around ace bandage. There was some swelling and sensitivity where she had a painful bruise, but nothing that wouldn't heal. he made some quick calls on his cell phone and found out where the closest meeting was being held and when.  
  
Throughout this entire process Abby didn't say a word. She felt like a punished child. She managed only to steal a few guilty glances at his face as he focused intensely on her foot. He caught her glance but looked away in mock disapproval. They shared a small smile but the tension in the air was so thick it couldn't have been cut with a butter knife. No, Abby thought, you'd need a machete to cut through all of this. Things had been said, things she had wanted to express to him every time he had helped her out of jam, but she didn't know how. And then suddenly she did, she must have known how, because he responded in a way that made her believe he understood what she meant. That he understood he was important to her.  
  
Carter felt energized and determined to support her in her recovery. He knew she was going to be okay because he knew 'they' were going to be okay. He had worried a lot about the chasm that had formed and seemed to have grown wider between them as of late. He knew now that he couldn't allow that to happen again and that he wasn't going to. He was glad that Abby had expressed that ' all of this' was intense for her. He knew that feeling all too well, he had felt it for so long. She knew that it was intense, but he didn't know what she took that to mean. Maybe she was still learning, maybe he could show her. Right now they had to get moving.  
  
"Carter I look like I've been beaten with the ugly stick and left in the gutter.. I can't believe you're making me leave the house like this." He rolled his eyes at her and said "It's okay, so you'll frighten a few people here and there, it happens."  
  
"At least bring me some clean clothes to put on." He obliged choosing the items from her closet that she directed him to. His eye caught a very beautiful pale green velvet dress. He had never seen her wear it and felt the quick sting of regret hit his heart. "What about this little number?" he asked her smiling.  
  
" Do you want to live to see your 32nd birthday?!" she threatened.  
  
He snickered and brought the requested items over to her bed. He had really missed this banter of theirs. There was something so natural and satisfying about it , it never felt forced.  
  
"How are you going to err manage this? He asked her hesitantly. "Do you need any help?"  
  
"Get lost Carter, I'll manage." she laughed pushing him off the bed.  
  
She knew it would be difficult to dress herself but she had asked for a couple items of clothing that were very comfortable and the pants would easily stretch over her swollen foot, leaving it unaffected. She let out a soft sigh "thank goodness for the beauty of lycra" she thought. She felt a lot better in these fresh articles of clothing and lay down to rest her spinning head on the pillow. A sharp knock came on the door, "Abby? you ready?" "I'm coming in.."  
  
Carter remarked, " Well Miss Lockhart you look decidedly better, just like your old self.." he said this while taking in her small form, noticing her loosely flared black pants and white fitted stretch shirt.  
  
He continued, "It looks as if someone helped you right out of that gutter."  
  
"Thanks ' Doc ' "she answered, "and I think that "someone" was you."  
  
"Don't expect a tip for it though; she added trying to keep her tone light.  
  
He smiled to himself, and walked toward her bedside. "Can you stand up?"  
  
"Don't know let's give it a whirl shall we?" She attempted to move her legs to the floor, letting out a pitiful howl when doing so.  
  
"Shit, it really hurts."  
  
He laughed at her colorful use of language and asked her if she was okay.  
  
"Put your arm over my shoulder and lean all your weight on me, I'll help you get started."  
  
"You're going to have to do a lot more than help me get started.." Abby said, "or we're not going anywhere". She could feel the throbbing pain emanating from her foot.  
  
"Oh No, You're not getting off that easily, I'll carry you if I have to."  
  
With that he swiped her up in one fell swoop, and carried her towards the door. She leaned over to grab her coat, hat, and bag before he whisked her out of doors.  
  
The meeting was just as it should've been , sobering. It was an interesting experience actually because it was not the usual location they attended and they had caused a bit of a spectacle in coming in as one form. Carter had placed her gingerly in her seat as he went to retrieve a couple of coffees for them. The older woman sitting nearby turned around and whispered to Abby, "Well it must be nice to have someone sweep you off your feet, literally!" The woman laughed at her own joke and turned away before Abby could explain her injury. She sat quietly absorbing the stories that unfolded before her, regaining some sense of self that she had lost. It was funny how sitting and listening to others stories made you think more clearly about yourself. It made you realize in some offhand way that you should stop being so self- absorbed, because you weren't the only one out there with problems. And if this was the case then turning to alcohol certainly wasn't the only solution either, just as the counselors tried to emphasize at each meeting. Abby turned her head to see Carter engrossed in one of the attendee's speeches. It was so ironic that the roles had changed and he was the one now forcing her to attend a meeting. At least he had gotten better she thought, slowly he had reemerged as the Doctor Carter everyone knew and loved before the Sobricki incident. Actually, that creaton had just come back to the hospital to be treated .Although she had tried her hardest to keep Carter from seeing him it couldn't be prevented and she knew that it was a blow to his senses, that that maniac was allowed to live free. She had been gazing at him for a few minutes causing him to return her gaze, with a look of slight amusement and disapproval on his face. He leaned over to her," Pay attention, or I'll make you stay after class, and then you'll have to walk home." She snapped back to attention grateful that he was by her side, taking all of this in. He reminded her of what was really important when all she could see were the little things. He helped her remember a lot of good things, and encouraged her to push her own limits. She started to focus on what the man up front was telling the room full of recovering people.  
  
~End Part 3~  



	4. This is How You Remind Me Part 4

This Is How You Remind Me (Part 4)  
  
  
  
On their way home from the meeting the ride was silent. Abby felt a blanket of peace had been draped around her shoulders and she savored the calm feeling in her stomach, her soul. Carter flipped around the radio stations and then decided to pop on his favorite David Gray album "White Ladder". " I love this album." Abby sighed, "He writes such excellent lyrics"  
  
"Yeah he's amazing," agreed Carter. He glanced over at her as she gazed dreamily out the window. His heart swelled. He was glad she was feeling better, more peaceful, relaxed. He always felt better when she looked that way. They arrived at her apartment building and he went to gather her up once more to carry her up the stairs.  
  
"It's okay I think I can manage walking now." she told him.  
  
He said," Okay then I'll race you, last one up the steps is a rotten egg."  
  
"Funny Carter, very funny" She concentrated on swinging her good foot down onto the ground while bracing all of her body weight on it, and the car door. So far so good. John stood a little way from her, within arms reach. As soon as she swung her bad foot down and tried to stand on it she yelped like a helpless puppy. He caught her up then and told her, "You know, it's a serious bruise, and even if nothing is broken you're going to have to stay off of it until the swelling goes down. I can't carry you everywhere you know, you should call Kerry and let her know you won't be in tomorrow."  
  
"All right, all right. Just get going, I don't want my neighbors to think we've just eloped and you're carrying me over the threshold!"  
  
He laughed out loud, but something in what she had said made both of them blush.  
  
He made their way up the stairs this way and lowered Abby to the keyhole so she could open the door.  
  
As she twisted the handle he softly kicked the door open and stepped inside then kicking it closed.  
  
"Wait Carter, my bag." she said  
  
He had closed the door on her bag and the strap was tangling around her neck, he couldn't help laughing.  
  
"Again, very funny Carter, you're a real comedian today." He swung her up toward his chest and turned around to unloosen the strap from behind the door. Her face was against his shoulder and she felt like a baby being burped. As he swung back around kicking the door closed again, he didn't mind her foot, and it got slammed. She screamed a muffled cry of anguish and bit him on the shoulder in her blinding pain. Now he was the one crying out and he stumbled over to the couch she resting in his lap, the two of them moaning.  
  
"Oh god, I am so sorry are you okay? Let me see your foot.."  
  
He was interrupted by her," I can't believe I just bit you, but the pain was just excruciating. Your shoulder!"  
  
They were both equally mortified. Their embarrassment outweighed the momentary pain.  
  
He examined her foot, as she moved the collar of his shirt aside and looked at the bite mark." Well no blood here," he said," How bout there?" She answered him sheepishly," No blood, but there is a rather huge vampire mark, I didn't break the skin so you won't need a tetanus, and don't worry I'm up to date on all of my rabies shots.." They both laughed, and then realized the position they were in. She took her gaze away from his and went back to examining his shoulder. He directed his attention to rewrapping her foot. Both treated the other's injury with the gentlest touch. He finished first and drew both of her legs closer to his body. She was still looking at the bite mark on his shoulder and touched it gently with her finger. She traced the pattern her teeth had left on his soft skin. "I am so sorry I bit you," she said. " No problem." he answered her softly, running one hand along her legs and tightening his grasp around her waist with the other. She moved more of the fabric of his shirt away from his wound, she found herself caressing the area with both of her hands. She sighed and leaned into him her body enveloped in a sweet state of warmth that she had never felt before. She laid her head against his neck and looked at the bite mark. Leaning forward she kissed it and gently ran her hand down his arm. She felt him go tense at the touch of her lips and then relax all at once. It was as if he were melting underneath her. She tilted her head back to see him and was surprised by the look of fire in his dark eyes. " John.. " she said. He wouldn't let her finish, his burning eyes closed and both of his hands went to her face as he kissed her with all of the passion he felt for her. It had been building up for so long and he felt so grateful this moment had come. One hand on her beautiful cheek and the other at the back of her neck he devoured her, the taste of her mouth, the feel of her soft growls into his throat. She was so happy at this moment; she wished herself a cat so she could purr her happiness into his very soul. She resorted to soft growls and moved her hands from his shoulder to his face, his neck, his hair. She pressed her body against his and felt his arms slip around her waist drawing her in even closer. She was drowning in him, in his smell, in his taste, in his softness. Abby felt tears running down her face and let them flow freely. He stopped to look into her eyes and they both caught their breath in sight of the other. He kissed her tears away and felt his own starting to form. When he looked up at her again her most gorgeous smile showed him that she felt everything that he felt. When his tears started to fall she scooped them up onto her fingertips. She kissed his face, his eyelids, his lips, his neck. There was a strong and vibrant hum running between them and they didn't know who it started from and who would end it. All either of them knew was that they loved the sound of it, their hum, together. 


End file.
